Pages

1.31.2013

Open the Mic

Last Saturday I hosted an open mic night at the Seka Coffeehouse at my church. It was a perfect gathering of talent and appreciation, the ultimate expression of creative generosity, and I was honored to be a part of it. I read two poems myself, both of which have been on this blog before. I edited them for the event, and I'm proud of the changes. You can read earlier versions of "I Rode the Devil's Back" and "Glitz" through the links, and the edited version of the latter is below. It's a good example of how the revision of a single stanza can improve the whole.

Watch me bust at the seams
to offer you praise—
and if my dance seems epileptic,
know my heart is full of grace.

My garb is gangly and gauche,
cheap cheesy kitsch and unholy,
but holy's your business—
it's you drawing breath from my lungs.

In this space particular, all I can give
is a song that will break all your crystal—
will rise to the rafters, 

and ruffle the wings of the owls.

While everyone watching thinks:
oh, what a shame!
That such music should come from one
so overweight,
or these notes make their way through
my messes of hair
and emerge from between such
crooked teeth.

They are good enough to wonder in quiet,

neighbor to neighbor, inquiring silent:

How could he be pleased,
How the Lord satisfied,
or the one with the microphone brazen to try?


I ignore all their eyes
and the skin I stand in,
thick in the way of the aria
fit for a king.

Such contradiction
of praise and praiser.

Oh, we all have our highs,
we all have our lows.
We carry our growths
on the sides of our faces—
and maybe they know
and maybe they don't,
but we all limp and shudder,
we tramp and we hulk.

And the bones that aren't broken,
they still quake like we're choking.
The voice that we sing with
fits us like an epileptic.

But.You. Look full on my face.
Bless the place where I stand.
And draw one last note—
out of my throat—
to hold in your enormous hand. 


1.30.2013

Guesting

I'm guest posting today over at the remarkable blog of Kathryn Bronn. If you want to see my thoughts on Pinterest, well, that's where you should go.

1.26.2013

Conspiracy

A couple months ago when Instagram released their new terms of service and everyone got in a great huff over infringements to their privacy, a friend asked if I was going to close my account and quit using them to share pictures. I thought about it for a minute and realized that no, I wouldn't. By the time the new terms of service came into effect, either someone would discover that the hullaboo was over a misreading of the new terms, or Instagram would have fixed the problem to keep their good name.



Within days, the latter happened. We're all still taking our pictures with Instagram, and nothing is amiss* - as far as we know. I'd like to say this is a sign of some divine presentiment within me, but it's not so complicated.


We all find some lessons easier to learn than others, and this has been easy for me: to avoid panic based on supposition. It's one of the reasons I've never been particularly moved by end of the world theories, of either the evangelical or the Mayan sort. I have been trying to pinpoint when I first learned this lesson, especially as I've had cause to think of it more often than usual lately.


It was when I first came across the verse in Isaiah: "Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it" (8:12). I remember when I first read that and took it to heart. And I really took it to heart, more than usual - perhaps because it seemed to allow me a freedom that was natural to me to begin with.


There are other verses about standing firm, or not following every wave of doctrine, or avoiding faddish philosophies, but they don't mean quite the same thing. "Do not call conspiracy..." is not just about being level-headed or avoiding panic, and it's not about being easily gullible. It means that we should wait to know the truth of a matter before we act on it. We should wait to rise against injustice until we are seeing with clear eyes. The short version: Be wise.


I think there's more for me to learn. But I am grateful for the pause before the leap. The hesitation before assumption. And I pray against any impulse that might make me too quick to fear.

*I am very aware that Instagram would not have bothered to correct their terms if people hadn't kicked up a load of dust. Let us consider this the blessing of human variety.

1.06.2013

North and South, by Elizabeth Gaskell


It was just after I finished my master's degree at the University of Edinburgh that I was introduced to North and South, having raided the Rancho Mirage Public Library's impressive collection of BBC adaptations as thoroughly as possible. My flatmate Jess had burned me a copy of the DVD before I left Scotland, but there was something wrong with it, and it wouldn't play. Which was just as well, pirating being illegal and all.

Elizabeth Gaskell's masterpiece, North and South, should never be read before Pride and Prejudice. I would like to get the comparison between these two novels out of the way as quickly as possible, because it's probably the first conversation anyone has about North and South. The premise of both is more or less the same - a man and a woman from two different walks of life meet; he finds himself unwillingly attracted to her and addresses a hasty proposal to her immediate and fiery rebuff; circumstances follow which make her regret her decision, and feel a sort of moral or social shame before him; happy ending. Or, to summarize the universal love story: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl. I hope no one considers this a spoiler.

Beyond these very obvious similarities, though, the books are remarkably different. Perhaps because one is a Regency novel and the other Victorian. I first read North and South after seeing the BBC adaptation with Richard Armitage and Daniela Denby-Ashe, which is still and perhaps forever one of my favorite costume dramas of all time. I defy you, children, to reach the final scene and not feel flushed with romantic fever. Perhaps you are boys; even still.

The novel is just as romantic, and in some ways even more so. But it is also more religious, more colloquial, and more particular. You will see what I mean.

The main reason that North and South ought to be read after Pride and Prejudice is the difference in economic values. Economic might be the wrong word here, and I'm sure someone more intentional than me has written a well-researched essay on the subject. What I'm stumbling toward is the difference between their understood values in either land or industry. Edward Said's book Culture and Imperialism devotes an entire chapter to Jane Austen, examining the ways in which her narratives establish the English landed gentry as a kind of ideal (granted, one in need of some improvement) in the face of the inexhaustible borders of the empire. He points out the very distinct comparisons Austen makes, intentionally or not, between rural and urban life.

Elizabeth Gaskell makes the same comparisons in North and South with absolute intentionality. One might even suggest that her heroine, Margaret Hale, acts as a placeholder for all the thoughts and feelings of those who felt as Austen did in her day - that the closer one was to the simple and reliable existence of field and forest, the better and more "English" one was. I'm sure I could express this all better if I sat down and reread Culture and Imperialism, but I am not a student anymore. I will leave that to you.

Having exhausted the comparison between Gaskell and Austen, it's worthwhile to point out that I read North and South only a few months after blitzing through a large number of George MacDonald's Scottish novels. The man was none too fond of the city either, and his great city was only wee Aberdeen - a hamlet in comparison with the sweeping urban centers of Manchester and London. MacDonald frequently uses urban life as a literary type for sinfulness, and rural life as the ideal state of the flourishing Christian soul. It's hard to disagree with them, having spent my own brief moments rambling up a sweet Scottish burnie, sipping from fairy springs and looking out across the mysterious dark waters of a rich, haunting loch.

But Gaskell knew Manchester best, and her religious sympathies as well as her experience lay within the harsh hustle and bustle of a manufacturing city. Though both Gaskell and MacDonald shared what was then considered "schismatic opinions" relating to the Church of England, they took slightly different approaches to the religious nature of their fiction. I would suggest Gaskell is more ecclesiastically generous than MacDonald, who himself felt the consequences of removal from the church a bit (though only a bit) more directly than Gaskell.

If Gaskell is more ecclesiastically generous, MacDonald is more spiritually generous. Though I suspect you'd have to read them both to know what I mean. A hint in that direction - and this is my last point, I promise - might be found in that Gaskell's great literary friend was the monumental Charles Dickens, while MacDonald's was Charles Dodgson - better known as Lewis Carroll.

Having said all this, the best of North and South is the most obvious part of it. The love story, though I have minimized it to the point of formula, is better than all its careful arguments about industry and urban life. When I reread the book, it's those portions I read most carefully. Though they are not as crisply and carefully written as Austen's famous Darcy-and-Elizabeth romance, they are somehow more human and unarguably more passionate. 

1.05.2013

Go for a walk.

I had reason to walk down First Street this evening. The sun was just below the trees, the air cool enough for my ubiquitous purple coat, and everything quiet enough for reflection. Walks are good for the soul, but I don't take them very often because I'm lazy or careless or both. I've written plenty of poems out of good walks ("Crossing Main Street" and "Let Me Be Like a Leaf" come to mind), most of which rank among my personal favorites.

I didn't write a poem this evening, but if I did, it would have something to do with the wilting camelias scattered in the driveway, or the lost four-square ball by the curb, or the burnt-out building abandoned these past four and a half years which someone has recently deigned to decorate with two potted plants. I'm not sure what the point of the poem would be, though if I'd let the walk be longer, or if I'd faithfully refused to pull out my phone during the last leg, I might have thought of something.

There are triggers for creativity, and there are triggers for the lack of it.   

5 Records to Keep

If you intend to be fastidious about the records you keep for your literary children, there are a few things worth writing down as you read:

1. The Title: This is a bit obvious, but if you're keeping records in a journal or on a blog, it's considerably more necessary than if you're leaving your notes on the inside cover of the book itself. Recording the title can be useful in other ways, particularly if the book comes in multiple editions, or if you're reading a translation of some kind. Something is communicated to me, for example, when a reader claims to have read Demons rather than The Possessed.

2. The Date: To know that my mother read a particular book while she was pregnant with me, or when we were on a summer vacation, or while she was between jobs, is interesting to me personally. Books then provide a kind of literary timeline to a life. For the rest of the world, this may have no significance at all, but your children will consider nothing more fascinating in the years to come than the realization that you were thinking, feeling, and experiencing all manner of things they were unaware of while they were right under your nose. There are other perfectly decent reasons for recording dates, but I find this one is my favorite.

3. Where It Came From: Many of the books lining my shelves were gifts. Some were unintentional gifts (i.e. they were loaned to me and never returned). There are a few which I remember purchasing with perfect vividness. You Shall Know Our Velocity!, by Dave Eggers, with Lisa and Tara during a spontaneous trip to Fullerton back in the day when that city felt exotic to my desert experience; or The Princess and the Goblin, which I hunted for in an attempt to begin a collection of first editions.

4. Favorite Passages: Whether by page number (accounting for the edition) or transcription, pointing our your favorite passages is a way of developing a roadmap for future readers. If these are passages you have considered long after you first picked up the book, it may even be something recognizable to your children - if not word for word, then in the manner by which their content has influenced you in some way.

5. What You Thought: Why is this book important to you in particular? Why should your children read it - or avoid it? Recording your own thoughts is not just a way for your children to converse with your own reading experiences across time, but it's also a way for you to synthesize in your own mind what might otherwise be a passing impression. "What you thought" is a broad prescription for any number of written observations. Take time with this, and enjoy it. 

1.03.2013

Leaving a Legacy


I remember hearing a story once about a man who left his library to his children after he died. When they went through the books, they found he had inscribed a note to them about each book, explaining why it was important to him and why it might be important to them.

Ever since I heard about this man and his library, I have wanted to keep a record of books for my own children. Since so many of us read books digitally, and so many of my own important reading experiences have been through the public library, recording my impressions on a blog seems more relevant and more helpful.

This is different than reviewing books, of course. It's more a matter of recollection, since many of the books recorded here are very old, and their contents already approved by myriads of readers across history. Some are not so blessed. Some, in fact, might have been either forgotten or ignored by history. Some might be very new. Some might be epic novels, some picture books, and still others might be non-fiction odes to beauty. What unites them is that I have for one reason or another decided to communicate something about them to my children.

I should qualify here that I am not a parent. Much in the vein of 1001 Rules for My Unborn Son, this begins as a project for hypothetical progeny. Nor will I weep over my soup if such bairns are ne'er born (not yet, at least).

Don't expect posts every day here. I will be writing for relevance and quality, not quantity, so please be patient. I will do my best, because I care about you all, but like last year's blog, this is an exercise for me. We'll see how it goes.

2013 - Resolved, to write letters.

One of the things I wanted to do more of this past year, and which I am even more resolved to do this year, is to write more letters.

I used to write letters all the time. It was something I enjoyed, something others enjoyed receiving, and it gradually became both a part of who I was and a part of knowing me.

I have gathered a good deal of stationery recently, as well as some postcards. I'm going to be writing many letters in the next few weeks, to people I know, and even to a few strangers. I don't know what the letters will say yet, or even who will receive them. But I have a few names in mind, and I'm willing to add to the list.

If you'd like a letter from me, let me know. Not here on the blog, where information is unprotected and widely available (unless you feel very safe behind a PO Box or something). But contact me privately on Twitter or Facebook, if you have the means, and let me know where to send something. I can't guarantee anything, because resolutions are notorious for being unmet throughout the world, but I will certainly do my best. 

1.01.2013

The Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards

Being sensible that I am unable to do anything without God’s help, I do humbly entreat him by his grace to enable me to keep these Resolutions, so far as they are agreeable to his will, for Christ’s sake.
Remember to read over these Resolutions once a week.

Overall Life Mission1

1. Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to God’s glory, and my own good, profit and pleasure, in the whole of my duration, without any consideration of the time, whether now, or never so many myriad’s of ages hence. Resolved to do whatever I think to be my duty and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general. Resolved to do this, whatever difficulties I meet with, how many and how great soever.
2. Resolved, to be continually endeavoring to find out some new invention and contrivance to promote the aforementioned things.
3. Resolved, if ever I shall fall and grow dull, so as to neglect to keep any part of these Resolutions, to repent of all I can remember, when I come to myself again.
4. Resolved, never to do any manner of thing, whether in soul or body, less or more, but what tends to the glory of God; nor be, nor suffer it, if I can avoid it.
6. Resolved, to live with all my might, while I do live.
22. Resolved, to endeavor to obtain for myself as much happiness, in the other world, as I possibly can, with all the power; might, vigor, and vehemence, yea violence, I am capable of, or can bring myself to exert, in any way that can be thought of.
62. Resolved, never to do anything but duty; and then according to Eph. 6:6-8, do it willingly and cheerfully as unto the Lord, and not to man; “knowing that whatever good thing any man doth, the same shall he receive of the Lord.” June 25 and July 13, 1723.

Good Works

11. Resolved, when I think of any theorem in divinity to be solved, immediately to do what I can towards solving it, if circumstances don’t hinder.
13. Resolved, to be endeavoring to find out fit objects of charity and liberality.
69. Resolved, always to do that, which I shall wish I had done when I see others do it. Aug. 11, 1723.

Time Management

5. Resolved, never to lose one moment of time; but improve it the most profitable way I possibly can.
7. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if it were the last hour of my life.
17. Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.
18. Resolved, to live so at all times, as I think is best in my devout frames, and when I have clearest notions of things of the gospel, and another world.
19. Resolved, never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do, if I expected it would not be above an hour, before I should hear the last trump.
37. Resolved, to inquire every night, as I am going to bed, wherein I have been negligent, what sin I have committed, and wherein I have denied myself: also at the end of every week, month and year. Dec. 22 and 26, 1722.
40. Resolved, to inquire every night, before I go to bed, whether I have acted in the best way I possibly could, with respect to eating and drinking. Jan. 7, 1723.
41. Resolved, to ask myself at the end of every day, week, month and year, wherein I could possibly in any respect have done better. Jan. 11, 1723.
50.Resolved, I will act so as I think I shall judge would have been best, and most prudent, when I come into the future world. July 5, 1723.
51.Resolved, that I will act so, in every respect, as I think I shall wish I had done, if I should at last be damned. July 8, 1723.
52. I frequently hear persons in old age say how they would live, if they were to live their lives over again: Resolved, that I will live just so as I can think I shall wish I had done, supposing I live to old age. July 8, 1723.
55. Resolved, to endeavor to my utmost to act as I can think I should do, if I had already seen the happiness of heaven, and hell torments. July 8, 1723.
61. Resolved, that I will not give way to that listlessness which I find unbends and relaxes my mind from being fully and fixedly set on religion, whatever excuse I may have for it-that what my listlessness inclines me to do, is best to be done, etc. May 21, and July 13, 1723.

Relationships

14. Resolved, never to do anything out of revenge.
15. Resolved, never to suffer the least motions of anger to irrational beings.
16. Resolved, never to speak evil of anyone, so that it shall tend to his dishonor, more or less, upon no account except for some real good.
31. Resolved, never to say anything at all against anybody, but when it is perfectly agreeable to the highest degree of Christian honor, and of love to mankind, agreeable to the lowest humility, and sense of my own faults and failings, and agreeable to the golden rule; often, when I have said anything against anyone, to bring it to, and try it strictly by the test of this Resolution.
33. Resolved, always to do what I can towards making, maintaining, establishing and preserving peace, when it can be without over-balancing detriment in other respects. Dec. 26, 1722.
34. Resolved, in narration’s never to speak anything but the pure and simple verity.
36. Resolved, never to speak evil of any, except I have some particular good call for it. Dec. 19, 1722.
46. Resolved, never to allow the least measure of any fretting uneasiness at my father or mother. Resolved to suffer no effects of it, so much as in the least alteration of speech, or motion of my eve: and to be especially careful of it, with respect to any of our family.
58. Resolved, not only to refrain from an air of dislike, fretfulness, and anger in conversation, but to exhibit an air of love, cheerfulness and benignity. May 27,and July 13, 1723.
59. Resolved, when I am most conscious of provocations to ill nature and anger, that I will strive most to feel and act good-naturedly; yea, at such times, to manifest good nature, though I think that in other respects it would be disadvantageous, and so as would be imprudent at other times. May 12, July 2,and July 13.
66. Resolved, that I will endeavor always to keep a benign aspect, and air of acting and speaking in all places, and in all companies, except it should so happen that duty requires otherwise.
70. Let there be something of benevolence, in all that I speak.

Suffering

9. Resolved, to think much on all occasions of my own dying, and of the common circumstances which attend death.
10. Resolved, when I feel pain, to think of the pains of martyrdom, and of hell.
67. Resolved, after afflictions, to inquire, what I am the better for them, what good I have got by them, and what I might have got by them.
57. Resolved, when I fear misfortunes and adversities, to examine whether ~ have done my duty, and resolve to do it; and let it be just as providence orders it, I will as far as I can, be concerned about nothing but my duty and my sin. June 9, and July 13, 1723.

Character

8. Resolved, to act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I, and as if I had committed the same sins, or had the same infirmities or failings as others; and that I will let the knowledge of their failings promote nothing but shame in myself, and prove only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God.
12. Resolved, if I take delight in it as a gratification of pride, or vanity, or on any such account, immediately to throw it by.
21. Resolved, never to do anything, which if I should see in another, I should count a just occasion to despise him for, or to think any way the more meanly of him.
32. Resolved, to be strictly and firmly faithful to my trust, that that in Prov. 20:6, “A faithful man who can find?” may not be partly fulfilled in me.
47. Resolved, to endeavor to my utmost to deny whatever is not most agreeable to a good, and universally sweet and benevolent, quiet, peaceable, contented, easy, compassionate, generous, humble, meek, modest, submissive, obliging, diligent and industrious, charitable, even, patient, moderate, forgiving, sincere temper; and to do at all times what such a temper would lead me to. Examine strictly every week, whether I have done so. Sabbath morning. May 5, 1723.
54. Whenever I hear anything spoken in conversation of any person, if I think it would be praiseworthy in me, Resolved to endeavor to imitate it. July 8, 1723.
63. On the supposition, that there never was to be but one individual in the world, at any one time, who was properly a complete Christian, in all respects of a right stamp, having Christianity always shining in its true luster, and appearing excellent and lovely, from whatever part and under whatever character viewed: Resolved, to act just as I would do, if I strove with all my might to be that one, who should live in my time. Jan. 14 and July 3, 1723.
27. Resolved, never willfully to omit anything, except the omission be for the glory of God; and frequently to examine my omissions.
39. Resolved, never to do anything that I so much question the lawfulness of, as that I intend, at the same time, to consider and examine afterwards, whether it be lawful or no; except I as much question the lawfulness of the omission.
20. Resolved, to maintain the strictest temperance in eating and drinking.

Spiritual Life

Assurance
25. Resolved, to examine carefully, and constantly, what that one thing in me is, which causes me in the least to doubt of the love of God; and to direct all my forces against it.
26. Resolved, to cast away such things, as I find do abate my assurance.
48. Resolved, constantly, with the utmost niceness and diligence, and the strictest scrutiny, to be looking into the state of my soul, that I may know whether I have truly an interest in Christ or no; that when I come to die, I may not have any negligence respecting this to repent of. May 26, 1723.
49. Resolved, that this never shall be, if I can help it.
The Scriptures
28. Resolved, to study the Scriptures so steadily, constantly and frequently, as that I may find, and plainly perceive myself to grow in the knowledge of the same.
Prayer
29. Resolved, never to count that a prayer, nor to let that pass as a prayer, nor that as a petition of a prayer, which is so made, that I cannot hope that God will answer it; nor that as a confession, which I cannot hope God will accept.
64. Resolved, when I find those “groanings which cannot be uttered” (Rom. 8:26), of which the Apostle speaks, and those “breakings of soul for the longing it hath,” of which the Psalmist speaks, Psalm 119:20that I will promote them to the utmost of my power, and that I will not be wear’, of earnestly endeavoring to vent my desires, nor of the repetitions of such earnestness. July 23, and August 10, 1723.
The Lord’s Day
38. Resolved, never to speak anything that is ridiculous, sportive, or matter of laughter on the Lord’s day. Sabbath evening, Dec. 23, 1722.
Vivification of Righteousness
30. Resolved, to strive to my utmost every week to be brought higher in religion, and to a higher exercise of grace, than I was the week before.
42. Resolved, frequently to renew the dedication of myself to God, which was made at my baptism; which I solemnly renewed, when I was received into the communion of the church; and which I have solemnly re-made this twelfth day of January, 1722-23.
43. Resolved, never henceforward, till I die, to act as if I were any way my own, but entirely and altogether God’s, agreeable to what is to be found in Saturday, January 12, 1723.
44- Resolved, that no other end but religion, shall have any influence at all on any of my actions; and that no action shall be, in the least circumstance, any otherwise than the religious end will carry it. Jan.12, 1723.
45. Resolved, never to allow any pleasure or grief, joy or sorrow, nor any affection at all, nor any degree of affection, nor any circumstance relating to it, but what helps religion. Jan. 12-13, 1723.
Mortification of Sin and Self Examination
23. Resolved, frequently to take some deliberate action, which seems most unlikely to be done, for the glory of God, and trace it back to the original intention, designs and ends of it; and if I find it not to be for God’s glory, to repute it as a breach of the 4th Resolution.
24. Resolved, whenever I do any conspicuously evil action, to trace it back, till I come to the original cause; and then both carefully endeavor to do so no more, and to fight and pray with all my might against the original of it.
35. Resolved, whenever I so much question whether I have done my duty, as that my quiet and calm is thereby disturbed, to set it down, and also how the question was resolved. Dec. 18, 1722.
60. Resolved, whenever my feelings begin to appear in the least out of order, when I am conscious of the least uneasiness within, or the least irregularity without, I will then subject myself to the strictest examination. July 4 and 13, 1723.
68. Resolved, to confess frankly to myself all that which I find in myself, either infirmity or sin; and, if it be what concerns religion, also to confess the whole case to God, and implore needed help. July 23 and August 10, 1723.
56. Resolved, never to give over, nor in the least to slacken my fight with my corruptions, however unsuccessful I may be.
Communion with God
53. Resolved, to improve every opportunity, when I am in the best and happiest frame of mind, to cast and venture my soul on the Lord Jesus Christ, to trust and confide in him, and consecrate myself wholly to him; that from this I may have assurance of my safety, knowing that I confide in my Redeemer. July 8, 1723.
65. Resolved, very much to exercise myself in this all my life long, viz. with the greatest openness I am capable of, to declare my ways to God, and lay open my soul to him: all my sins, temptations, difficulties, sorrows, fears, hopes, desires, and every thing, and every circumstance; according to Dr. Manton’s 27th Sermon on Psalm 119. July 26 and Aug. 10, 1723.
Aug. 17, 1723

1 The subheadings and categorization are suggested by Matt Perman to increase the readability.
With gratitude, I copied the above from John Piper's website, Desiring God, though they are available many other places online as they are freely available in the public domain.

 
There was an error in this gadget