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3.01.2009

rambles: loving less

so there's this song that plays at work by a certain james morrison and famous accompaniment in which he sings about how he loves the inevitable beloved 'a little less than before.' his justification goes something like 'you just can't help what you can't help. you can't fix what's not been fixed.' his lyrics are a bit more poetic, but not by much. it's catchy, though, so it took me a while to realize that he was singing 'i'm dumping you, hope you don't mind, but it was unavoidable.'

now i've never really been dumped - for obvious and uninteresting reasons - so i suppose it's not my business to comment on the process. but this is just something i don't understand. i am trying to think of a case in which i learned to love someone less as i got to know them better. there have been times when i have thought well of someone, learned more about them, and then thought less of them. but that was mostly an issue of me having false understanding and then gaining new insight. i don't think i've ever fallen out of love - romantically or platonically - except by divine intervention (and i mean that absolutely literally). so i get it if it's about having your illusions conquered by reality. but that's not falling out of love - that's realizing you were loving an illusion. i just don't understand getting tired of someone, having a change of heart in the wrong direction, two-timing your own affections. i don't get it.

i'm not saying this because it's a present and relevant issue for me. i'm not venting; i'm rambling. i just keep hearing the song and wonder what he's talking about. because knowing a person better generally tends to make me love them more, even (and usually especially if) i learn about their failings, their flaws, their major f*** ups. this has been true for family and friends. even crushes that have faded - they usually fade into a better, healthier appreciation of a person - a love that has nothing to do with that yearning for affirmation and affection that defines 'liking'. i do not understand love with condition, with a deadline, with boundaries. it's just not love, then, is it?

maybe it's because i don't get bored with people. i get annoyed alright. you know, when you've been with the same person for days and days and weeks and you just need a break? i get that. i get the need for space. for reprieve. but that's not the same as getting bored with someone. that's getting too close to see them properly. that's when you need to step back and get yourself out of the way for a bit. so you can remember them again. know them again. what is this loss of love? what is this fading? i don't believe in it.

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