second sunday of advent

I rode the devil's back - or perhaps he rode on mine.
The trees were hung with arms around
While I held on with vines.
The leaves they fell in fingers,
The grass grew up like teeth,
The shiver from my horror didn't stop the imp beneath.
And as we ran I felt his hand
Dig furrows in my motley skin -
Fishing for worms between the bones,
Fondling my organs till they were all exposed
And sprouting - toadstools, lichen and moss
Making much of my body a great, twisted fungus.
'The horror!' I cried, but it came like a croak -
Something was crawling up from my throat!
A black millipede with uncountable feet -
My eyes rolled like rocks - I choked, hacked,
Spewed, sneezed, puked it out. Please,
I whispered, wake me up from this dream.
I will learn how to live. I will do anything.
The devil turned to smile - he was wearing my lips -
He leaned to my face for a kiss, a caress.
Do you bargain with me? he seethed in my ear.
My market's of souls. I barter with shame
and fear. Do you dare?
You brought yourself here - see, it's me on your back.
Your legs a taxi, a hack for my pleasure
and speed.
Now we're alone here. If you have need of another,
go back (if you can). I will not assist.
I'm no man to play hero,
to lose my majority, to throw the game.
His hands on my innards, his teeth on my face,
At least he spoke true of the fear and the shame.
There was nowhere to go but further on in
Through this jungle of things that I should've been.
I could not cry out for another help home.
I knew no other name but my own -
Queen of Gomorrah, daughter of Sodom,
Babylon whore, Asherah slut, Gomer.

Gomer - Hosea
- Emmanuel -

Running through my own condemnation, he finds me -
Trapped in my half-aborted memory.

Turns my tattered face to his battered face
With the softest command: Look at me.
I am lost there, out of the vines,
Notice neither place or time
As he rebuilds my broken body
With pieces of his own.
Him, the Man Without a Name
Who blows back the devil like a wind.

How did you find me? Rushing as I was.

He laughs a little, his holy pleasure.
I descended once. Now even hell
is within the measure of my glance.

Please, I whisper. Don't wake me from this dream.
I will love only you. I will do anything.

Do you bargain with me
? he smiles in my ear
(now a true ear, no mossy cauliflower).
My market's of souls. I barter with my body -
Which is already, if you haven't noticed, your own.
You've won. I have loved always you.
I have given everything.

My silence surpasses the width of his smile.
It is the rightest thing I've done in a while -
Shut up and let him lift me
Onto his back, nestle my cheek
Between his shoulder blades
And watch the world rush by as he flies from this place -

Father forgive me, for i knew what i did, but i know not what i've done.

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